MARRY CHRISTMAS

I thank the Govt for bringing Thika Road…it has really brought lotsa advantages to fellow Nairobians. Anyway, negative as I am, I always stress on the negative effects: skuizi hakuna jam meaning wale wasee wa kuuza zile TP kubwakubwa na KSL sweets hawana job. Sale of second hand side-mirrors has fallen coz those traffic jam thugs are no more. Rumour has it that they have gone to Eldy to seek training from David Rudisha…At least they will be able to chase the side-mirrors kwa ile lane ya katikati. Plus, KU students rarely attack the highway whenever they strike coz the superhighway is waaaaay so wide to barricade unless they call in fellow comrades from KU Kitui and Nakuru Campuses!!! Hehe, the highway has also made our celebs grow horns; according to Caro* the KISSing celeb, the construction of the multi-laned Thika Rd. made her do away with the Respect is a two way traffic and went ahead to insult some fan of hers that on her facebook wall!!! Lord have mercy!!! If she thinks shez that sweet, then she should write kanjo warnings on walls like Usikojoe hapa…Anyway, let’s hope that the two were fighting over a man or maybe a dildo (who knows?)…they say girl fights are as bitter as gall.

It’s Christmas people!!! We simply want the ol’ Christmas back!!! Not that Santa typo!!! I mean we want that Kenyan Christmas: the one that was almost killed by Maathai!!! Oh how we would go to shops kununua zile balloons then ua given some series of coded stickers to pick a balloon number!!! I dunno why I always got the small ones!!! Them days when my dad would wake up at 4am jus to ‘help’ our neighbor to trim his cypress hedge…came morning, goats will be blamed…(Hey dad, am not saying ua the goat here!!! You are simply the G.O.A.T.).Then my mum would pimp the cypress-smelling hao with some colored ribbons and balloons plus some cotton wools to represent snow. My childhood was kinda attached to cypress: the Christmas n the caning in orymo (or is it rhyma?)…Then the food would be marvelous. Our cuzos would come visiting n we would sleep wasee wawili in an upside manner. My bigger bros would go to keshas and come back partially intoxicated (I was like, “Kwani water was turned to wine in the manger in Bethlehem?”). n of’cos twasn’t a Christmas without Boney M and the special mix and match clads(My faev was Bolo and Savco). That was my experience!!! Lemme tell you ‘bout some neighbor of mine dubbed Oluoch…The guy would enda ocha every Christmas n carry all his furniture hadi curtains….he always had issuez with the landlord during these festives. He was well known in the Nya Ugenya and Mbukinya luxury buses. He would then come back early January and start blaming head teachers for asking for school fees way too early!!!

But this year round a’ll be goin to London coz of the winter n the fab tourist services from heavyweights like London pass…Am tired of the GLOBAL WARMING! I mean: WAR-mingi and the Luthuli WHORE-mingi!!! Am out people n Marry Christmas!!! Slitherbee