Typical Kenyan

To all job seekers,

Politics is an investment, a business. No politician is extravagant or say, unselfish. All the chumz, tishoz and other freebies that you received during campaign are what economists call, “Starting Capital”. Word is out that our MPs are advocating for a 5 Millie grant to buy cars. It’s a grant man, not a loan. That reminds me of a story I heard at my usual barber shop (karibu na ile place ya gazeti na shoe shiner). Ati there was this Kenyan and a Chinese who went to Oxford University together. After graduating, they sought for political offices in their countries and both became MPs. Years later; the Kenyan visited the Chinese and is jazzed by his mansion and a Mercedes Benz in the garage. The Kenyan asks, “How did you afford this?” “See that majestic highway over there…” says the Chinese pointing at a superhighway “…I just chopped 10%”. Months later, the Asian visits the Kenyan’s home and finds a big villa with several Mercs. Anticipating the question, the Kenyan retorts “See that road?” the Chinese see only a bush “I just chopped 100%”. All our MPs are greedy and we all know that…call me a pessimist but nothing can really deworm them. We just have to find a way to minimize their greed to the mwananchi’s advantage. Hehe, away from our greedy forgies; let’s look at the ordinary unemployed wananchi.He wakes up early to get the cheapest fare to tao or walk all the way to tao; walking n commuting highly depends on the previous day’s earning. The jamaaz would start tarmacking during the morning n mid morning hours but as usual, 2 outta 10 will get a job. Then they would converge around City Hall to discuss politics and get updates on quick jobs i.e hapa ndo utaskia job flani ya mjengo iko jikoni or maybe a certain politician needs hecklers or somethin’. Then they would split up and enter Nakumatt City Hall 15 minutes to 1 just to windowshop and wait for the 1pm news in the electronics area. After the news, they would go to the nearest construction site for lunch (uji + githeri). The effect of such a meal will lead them to only two places; Uhuru Park and Jeevanjee. Siesta. Then they would wake up later and form Jeevanjee crowds to discuss the lunchtime news. Hehe, some jamaa once asked if gays can be women rep! Lotsa answers came up man…lotsa em. The jamaaz also devised a way to find if an employed person was employed legitly or via nepotism n corruption. The rule is simple: All employed peeps should know all the streets and chuoms between Kirinyaga Rd. and River Road, if you don’t then you never tarmacked  *Word*. Some tarmacking UoN B Comm graduate and philosopher wannabe once told me he’s soon starting a revolution to urge people to boycott work. He relates his argument on the basis of scarcity and inflation i.e. an employer and an employee are equally dependent. An employer will simply record loses without the aid of employees. Therefore by employees boycotting work(…and the unemployed refusing to tarmac), the employers will be forced to look for the employees themselves and thus increase the salary to lure employees. That’s a reversal strategy; Law #8, Make other people come to you; usebait if necessary).

Highly inspired by Gabrielle Omollo's Rhumba classic 'Lunchtime'

Peace. Slitherbee