WELCOME TO KIAMBU

Drum rolls***

Thanks to the government for making it classy…the move by the government to hike keg prices has elevated the drink into the class of kina Heineken. My hood (somewhere in Kenya’s Capital of Alcoholics, Kiambu) has witnessed great transformation owing to this increment. Pubs are slowly upgrading (not by standards but by name swaps) from pubs to restaurants/clubs. The only change evident is the change in prices of the only common drink sold, Keg’nekken!!! The 40baab mug is now going for a whooping 65baab but the barmaid will always tell you the she daent have the 5baab coin.”Si we ni customer, utapitia kesho tuangalie hio maneno” The goodness with such an enticement is that most Kiambu barmaids are really hot when HOT (High On Tots). Oh my, why do ‘we’ screw cows? Um, It’s coz when drunk, most cows tend to look more like Nyambura the barmaid! We always do it after a visit to the keg dens (now keg restaurant). I would also suggest to EABL/Keroche to upgrade Senator Keg to sum’n like Governor Keg!!! Still in Kiambu, most sufferers are now bargaining with coroners coz dying has become too expensive. Others are even resolving to pay in hire purchase (malipo ya polepole)

A day in the life of a Kenyan kegger!!!

Meet Jose the Complaining Kenyan; he wakes up to drink strong tea while complaining about the hiked milk prices, then ‘walks’ to Inda (aliokoka akaacha kupanda Umoineer). Later in the evening, he finds that keg prices have been hiked and thus resolves to his wife as the final resort of entertainment (‘Final’ coz ma’TV analogue zilizimwa plus units za stima pia zilipanda). Jose then impregnates Njoki the wife adding to his ‘fleet’ of 6 kids jus coz he heard that the gova had hiked the CD prices and there was alotta rumours about those offered for free (Gok). This pregnancy completes Jose’s vicious cycle of poverty. He grows poor as he ages. The law of direct proportionality. He then decides to Q-tac himself knowing that dying has also become too expensive!!!

That's wassup!!!
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KU vs JKUAT

Um…they said like father like son…but I think there’s a big difference between Jomo Kenyatta and Kenyatta the son. Yeah, am talkin about the difference between JKUAT and KU. Most notable, one is in Nairobi and the other is not..oops!!! Anyway, our first round is KU staged against JKUAT…You be the judge (I meant judge, not patriot)

JKUAT

Nick Name           : JUJA BOYZ or jus’ JKUAT(pronounced as JAY’KAY’YOU’HURT)

Location               : Juja (near Thika but so faaar away from Nairobi)

Brag point            : The new swimo

FB page                : Diary of a JKUAT student

I will try as much as possible to be gender sensitive here where I’ll use boys to refer to males and the handful females- no offence !!!Um…located in Juja centre (barely a town), JKUAT boasts of chops and smart dudes with scary Engineering courses notably; Financial Engineering (hehe, is this the course taken by those guys who manufacture chumz at DeLarue? Just askin’).  Folks here have the best accomodation in Kenya and maybe even East Africa, lotsa cool apartments (not hostels) surround the skool via its so so many gates. Some 1 bedroomed cribs even go for as low as 5 Geez per month. Hehe, but the school hostels are just so ol’ skool with Hall 6 being the better one of the shacks. Talk of Hall 6, a male hostel full of KU chics, don’t ask me why (This is Juja Boyz man!!!). The illest hang out joint around is Club Straight where all the boys go out for drinks and footer. The other pack of HELB beneficiaries prefer Senate which is a Hotel-Pub combo. Hehe,as for the rest, they prefer “Kwa Maggie”..word is out that she has the best keg in Juja!!! Others prefer the Student Centre which is more of an outdoor raev joint and easy access to the hostels. I think these guys have the best hpuse parties in Kenya,hands down!!! Mad music,imported chics, rooftops and cribs…The campo is divided (as usual) into various zones: Gate A, Gate B n Gate C guyz. Gate A is more populated and you know well how populous areas are. Gate C is for more average students i.e hapa chapo ni ashu (Sheng’ word for 10bob…a Whiteman would think I’ve misspelt ‘her shoe’ n yet it’s Juja Boyz we talkin about). Gate C nae ni ya masonko i.e the mean price of chapo is Sh  18.72 rounded off to ksh 20 with the size per chapati being equal to x and being the size of a Gate B chapo.

 KU

Nickname            : KU

Location              : KU, just KU (half way between Thika and Nairobi but mathematically near Nrb)    

Brag point           : Post Modern Library (escalators and lounge)

FB page               : Its Only In KU

I will try as much as possible to be relationship and alcohol sensitive. Here,unlike JKUAT, most guys have more than one chic coz they are really there in numbers. Those that fail to impress are gladly exported to Juja, fact. The alcohol part starts with their student Annex(studiez) which allegedly restocks thrice in one night. Plus the place is located closer to the hostels for easier transit of ‘happened’ guyz to their hostels. Away from that, the campo lacks momos. Weight is lost through walking, the campo is just too big, from the gate to a hostel is a 30 mins walk and a 5 minute run for a pressed jamaa,8 minutes for a thief, 10 minutes for Kipruto and 20 for the rest. The best hostels are the newer Nyayo 5 and 6 which are individually gated and with ovens in their kitchenettes and marble floors. Accomodation outta school is far much expensive than Juja with bedsitters costive around 7k upwards. But KU is the biggest client of Ampexx Limited i.e. woofer zote KU zinafanana !!! The campo has limited and ever slow and clogged wi-fi (but tunangojea ya serikali soon). Word is out that KU has equally long queues like those of Tharaka Nithi coz the campo has intakes like every semester. The best hang out joints are Club Makuti in Kahawa Shuge or others prefer to invade the JKUAT infested Thika Clubs. Their house parties are just average with routine interruptions from caretakers and housekeepers. Swagwise, ati their current trend is dudes hittin the famous Burundi gym (20baab per day plus lotsa uji and cassava), as for the chics weekend travels to their ‘uncles’ is a must. Check out KU beauties HERE

Verdict: You be the judge 

 @slitherbee

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The club scene

Several playing cards lie on the dirty floor, they tell precisely the mood in the house. Am adorned in a black God papa, a God papa that despite its age still possesses tales to tell. The Godfather was abandoned by the legendary Mijeledi boy. Ken is the type of person who you want to carry around when you are going into the club, he is smooth with words, inspires confidence and smart dressing is what he is known for. He seems to know what he is talking about even when the subject is foreign like a chick you know but meet with the Missus. Yet, despite all these positive attributes, the most important feature about him is that he is a team player. Trust me, for all who do not fathom, team work is virtually the most important need in the club, okey okey, after money. If one of the team player breaks out of the team, count it as an away defeat, you are all doomed. The mission is lost and the war ends in a defeat. Unlike Ken, Rasta man on the other hand is not known to hold these ideals of a team player close to heart; he often attacks as a lone ranger. He reloads with unimaginable ammunitions; several kingfishers and snapps . He is renowned in attacking unsuspecting civilians. His accuracy on the sniper rifle is however not known to be too impressive. He is a fanatic of the Darwin theory and is known to attack the weakest of the prey. Instead of using these agrarian tactics it is imperative to horde in as a force. Attacking as a team increases the chances of annihilating the opponent and their consequent submission. A team possesses the ability to reload with increased efficiency and range; they can also used special bullets like Jameson and sometimes Smirnoff when the pocket is not well lined. Further, attacking as a team increases the reload speed, after all the more the pockets the more the ‘big ones’ (thousands hehehe).  

In the creation of a formidable team, there is a need to have an enforcer. This is the psyche person, he often rumbles the words like ‘eiheiheieh what’s up, what’s up, what’s the plan’. This person should be tall and should be intimidating. He should always tread with his shoulders held high, and is in many cases the identifier of potential targets. He is the equivalent of a scout in the battle field. It is not necessary for the person to have big features, however, a bigger than usual head is always an added plus. Then there is the cavalry, this is where most Kenyans belong, these are the foot soldiers, their work is to approach after the signal and they do so in stealth manner. If they move in to quickly, the opponents might get startled and rattled and words such as ‘unataka nini, nangoja mtu’ might be heard in the deafening sound of ‘twenzetu’ in the background. The foot soldiers are responsible for the transportation of the ammunition from the bar fridges to the vulnerable stomachs of the opponents. So the next time that you’re in the club, take a more tactical position.

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